Time To Write Your Thank You Notes

Yes, for any gifts you received last month. But I’m talking about something else entirely.

Back at the end of 2015, in thinking about how I wanted to commemorate my then-approaching, now receding fiftieth birthday, I decided I needed to thank the people who have made my life long on joy and short on sorrow. It seemed like a good time to take stock and express gratitude.

So I decided that once a week, for fifty weeks of 2016, I’d write a thank you note to someone who has made a difference in my life – and that could be positive or negative, since we learn lessons in lots of ways. The letters would start with my parents and end with my daughters and husband, and in between there would be 45 other people to whom I’d send a letter to document my appreciation.

I whipped up a preliminary list of 40, leaving myself some room to expand. I had some rules: One page only (to force me to edit.) I didn’t have to actually send the letters if that was unfeasible or weird (ex-boyfriends and favorite bands, represent.) And “People” could also be places because there have been seminal cities that have shaped me (see also “didn’t have to actually send the letters.”)

I opened up a Word doc and saved it as ThankYouLetters.doc, and wrote the first two letters exactly a year ago, to my mom and dad. (I wrote them a week apart but mailed them together, because #favoritism.) Dad was completely tickled. “I framed it and put it over my desk, honey,” he said. The letter is still there.

That I didn’t have to worry about telling Dad how much I appreciated him, as he lay dying back in July, was only one of the unexpected gifts that has come from dutifully writing my weekly thank you note.

Another? Simply seeing a list of 50 names of people who have helped me during my life: that’s powerful. Just skimming that list reminds me I am so not alone in the world.

Another? The week that I was going to write about someone, I had an excuse to wallow in prized memories and feelings around that person. Remember that time we hiked across that ice bridge in Switzerland, sobbing in fear the whole way, and then a blind lady passed us both, and we were ashamed but at least we were ashamed together? Remember that time you baked me a 19,000 calorie noodle kugel when I was sad? Remember when that other CIT got flypaper stuck in her hair and we laughed so hard we were convulsing a little? It was enough to paste a half smile on my face all day, every day.

But I didn’t want to make the letters a checklist of “ha ha remember when’s,” either. I forced myself to think deeply about what specifically I was grateful for in each person. What opportunities did they give me, what mistakes did they help me avoid, what decisions did they support when I found myself wavering? I realized that I’ve done an excellent job of surrounding myself with people who model characteristics that I am forever trying to attain: patience, considerateness, focus, activism, goal-setting, flexibility. I have a clearer sense of who my go-to people should be for specific questions and counsel than I did before starting the letters.

Here’s another big benefit: scientific research shows that the act of showing gratitude makes the person who expresses it happier. I wrote a story about a psychology professor at CSU East Bay and her research into the science of happiness last June, and she lit up during our interview when I told her about my letter-writing project. “Exactly! Exactly!” she said.

For all those reasons, I can’t recommend this letter-writing practice enough. And here’s one more: since November 9^th,I’ve been working hard to keep anxiety at bay every day. One coping mechanism? Opening my thank you letter file to reread a few of the letters I’ve already sent. Better than drugstore blood pressure medication.

Of course, as with any plan, I had to leave room for improvisation. When Dad died in July, I couldn’t write thank you notes to anyone for a while, so I’m a few months behind on my list. And once I finally felt that I could restart, I quickly rejiggered the ordering of my list to make sure that the next three people receiving letters were my daughters and husband. Why would you ever wait to tell the people you love the most that you love them the most?

I’ve also realized that I don’t want to stop when I get to number 50. There are still so many people to thank.

So, now that my jubilee year has drawn to a close, I have a new goal: when I someday reach the end of the line, I want the ThankYouLetters.doc to be the biggest file on my computer.

Yes, Lord Huron is on my list, with their letter still to come. Seeing them play this Saturday night in SF!